Politically Correct

Communion Directions

In this day of extreme political correctness, it may be just a matter of time until the Church has to comply, even in the serving of Holy Communion. A friend sent this wonderfully tongue-in-cheek treatment of what could lie ahead for our worship bulletins:

• All baptized persons are welcome to receive Holy Communion as long as they believe in the Real Presence of Christ as either Risen Lord, Rabbinic Authority, Holy Spirit Person, or Great Ethical Teacher.
  


• After this is confirmed by recitation of the Catechism and Augsburg confession from memory, you may proceed to the altar rail.
  


• If you prefer to receive Communion under the conventional species of Bread (St. Mary's Convent, Wahoo, Nebraska) and Wine (Ernest and Julio Gallo Classic Port, California, 1994) please stand or kneel with your hands by your sides at the rail.
  


• If the nitrates in the port induce nasal congestion a light Chablis (Sutter Home, 1993) or Zinfandel (Paul Masson, April) is offered depending on availability. Please indicate this preference by placing your right hand behind your head.
  


• Two non-alcoholic selections options are also offered. For red grape juice (Tucker's Berry Farms), place your left hand behind your head. If you prefer a white, pasteurized grape juice product, kindly place both hands behind your head. To express solidarity with oppressed farm workers in the grape industry, place both hands tightly over your mouth and hum "La Marseillaise".

{If you wish to hum along, you may also surf to marseillaise.org to get other (better quality) formats such as WAV, RAM, AU and MP3. A new window will come up for your convenience.}

• To receive an ordinary, unleavened Communion wafer kindly wink your right eye as the minister approaches. For a certified organic, whole-grain wafer, wink your left eye. For low salt, low fat bread, close both eyes for the remainder of the service. For gluten-free bread, blink both eyes rapidly while staring at the ceiling.
  


• Children may receive a blessed animal cracker by showing the minister that they can cross their eyes. Parents who are concerned about the violence implied in eating animal shaped foods may join a support session that will try to lobby the church for change. It meets in the Parish Hall on Tuesday evenings after the C.S. Lewis Reading Group.
  


• Unfortunately, we have had to discontinue the distribution of blessed Gummy Bears to the children after Billy Watson's recent diagnosis of A.D.D. We are sure everyone understands how traumatic it would be for him to receive his toasted rice cake while all other children were chewing their Gummy Bears.
  


• Next, a word on consumption of the host. If it is your custom and preference to have the Precious Body placed in your hands, please cup them together in front of you. If you are expressing a wine preference, the minister will allow you ample time to change postures. If you feel uncomfortable holding the Lord in your hands, simple assume the baby bird position as the minister approaches. Be sure not to extend your neck so far that the server cannot see your eyelids by which you will express your bread preference.
  


• Finally, for those with airborne allergies you should know that the Associate Pastor wears large amounts of Royal Copenhagen given to him by his mother at Christmas. The Pastor may or may not be wearing cologne, but her mother has been known to wash her cassock in scented laundry detergent and dry it with a Downy sheet in the machine. The Assisting Minister is wearing all cotton garments washed in pure, organic soap and rinsed with mountain spring water. She is wearing no scented products and scrubs her hands with antibacterial soap approved for use in neonatal intensive care nurseries.
  


• At St. Shecky's, it is our commitment to see that the worship experience will be as meaningful, efficient, and error-free as possible. In this vein, an electronic billboard will soon be installed in over the altar outlining these instructions. Please note that traditional options flash in blue and organic food options flash in orange for easy reference.
  


• If anyone has any additional questions about worship, please join me for coffee in the Parish Hall where I will be beginning a 32-week series entitled identifying 13th Century Monastic Communities Through Hair and Garment analysis.
  


• May God protect us from all extremes and still welcome all to the altar of Grace and Love.

Shecky's House would like to extend special thanks to Reverend Barry Mitchell For this contibution!