Xmas Xcess
Lucky 13th Anniversary Edition
Mary Gets the News
Mary had just set the flowers from her betrothed, Joseph, on the table he had made her. She knew when they married that life might be hard but she would have fresh hand-made furniture. That was the joy of marrying a carpenter. Mary glanced out the window at the marketplace from her vantage point she could see Joseph, carrying an armload of planks toward his current project, adding a camel-riders' order-and-pickup window at Nazareth's new restaurant, The Pita Principle. (Critics said the concept of simple food served quickly would never catch on, but it had become popular with the younger set, most of whom ordered just locust beans or wild honey, hanging out until the manager sent them scurrying out into the street. The youths either scurried out into the street or received gainful employment at the restaurant, thereby attracting the "hordes" of young people and increasing the need for a large supply of locust beans and small wild-honey cups.) Joseph was a hard worker, and promised to be a good husband to Mary. He was his own boss in visible terms, but he recognized there was a True Boss in invisible terms. Mary knew this, too, and she fell on her knees to thank the Lord for letting them find each other.
As she prayed, the sky became overcast, then cloudy.
The clouds darkened, but a break in them allowed a beam of brilliant sunlight to flood the room where Mary was praying. Mary's eyes widened as she noticed a form spiraling toward her through the shaft of light. The form was brighter than the sunlight and growing larger as it approached. Mary jumped up and shut the window shutters as fast as she could. Some small beams of light still entered through areas where the palm leaves had become looser-woven, but the room had been darkened. The light more brilliant than the sun, however, did not respond to Mary's gesture of closing the window. This was not sunlight, but the arrival of the Archangel Gabriel. Gabriel was not only the head angel, but a master showman and a top-notch horn player.
"Be not afraid, Mary, for God is with you!" said Gabriel.
Mary, shivering in the corner, peeked out from behind a pile of blankets. "Sh- Sha- Shalom- A- Aleychem, I'm sure," she replied. "are you— the Name?"
"Me? Oh, no, not me!" Gabriel laughed out loud. "I'm just the messenger." Gabriel drifted over the floor toward Mary, who was still crouched behind the blankets, eyes as wide as could be. "Look, I'll show you my ID badge."
Mary looked at the card; though it fit in one's hand, it appeared as if the entire sky were contained in it. Gabriel's name flew through the clouds. Then an image of him appeared, turned 360° to show all sides of him, and dissipated, forming clouds. Then music played from the badge, which Gabriel put back in his pocket. The music on the card continued for a few moments, muted by the pocket. "I'm sorry to have frightened you, Mary," he continued, "but I just love making a good entrance. I mean, we're rarely ever allowed to appear to humans, so when we do, we get a little flashy. It's not like that TV show, "Touched by an Angel", where the 'angel' tells everyone that she's an angel 13 seconds after they meet— oh, wait. Wrong era. I forgot that humans are temporal. Well, seeing eternity is great, but there are some things you're really not missing out on. At any rate, the reason I'm here is that I have some good news. The Boss," he said, glancing upward, "is most pleased with you and your betrothed. Since you have done all that He has commanded, He is well pleased with you. He has an assignment which will make you blessed. God is with you. You are in the family way, and you shall bear the Lord's Son. Name him Jesus, and raise him in the synagogue. And, on a personal note, I just want to thank you for helping in the Great Plan." Gabriel turned to go.
Mary jumped up from behind the pile of blankets. "Wait, Gabriel, wait! How can this be? I've never... umm... well, you know...?"
"Don't second-guess the Boss!" Gabriel smiled. "With God all things are possible."
"But... what about Joseph? He's going to be... well... upset, isn't he?" Mary looked down at the floor. "This doesn't exactly make me look pure and chaste to the world. I'm sorry, but that's how I feel. Please tell Him I'd love to go along with this, but—"
Gabriel broke in. "Look, it's under control. I'll appear to Joseph and let him know what is happening." He stopped for a moment, leaned back, and closed his eyes. "Yes, I see... mmm hmm...OK..." Gabriel looked back at Mary. "Just to let you know, I've read Joseph's heart. He loves the Lord with all of it, as do you. He will be happy to help you with this situation. As for the world, you don't ultimately answer to it, but to the Great I Am. You will be fine." Gabriel turned again into brilliant light and sped out the closed window and down the street to appear to Joseph.
Joseph Gets the News
Joseph was rather busy at the moment, having just hit his thumb with a hammer after youths scurrying out of the restaurant caused his ladder to wobble. Gabriel decided to let the pain (and the day) take its course, opting to wait until Joseph was asleep. Appearing to a human during a dream might not have the showmanship of a real face-to-face, but Gabriel knew this was the way to go. Joseph was nearly done for the day, at any rate, and would be stopping over to see Mary then.
Joseph stopped by to see Mary. He noticed the unusual look on her face. He raised an eyebrow at her quizzically. Mary turned toward the window, pressing her lips against her fist. "Joseph," she said, "... I... umm... I don't know how to say this... we... umm, we need to talk."
Joseph flopped down into the chair. Even in those days, that phrase, "we need to talk", spelled trouble. Joseph put his head in his hands. He looked up at Mary; her back was still to him. This was it. Mary was tired of him, she met somebody new, she needed space, she ran into her old boyfriend Moe at the bazaar... Joseph didn't expect any of these from Mary, but he had to prepare for anything. He tried, bravely, to sound cheerful. "So what about?" he asked.
"It's... umm... weird. How else to say it? Joseph— I saw an angel today." She turned back to face him, eyes wide. She moved over to him, rested her hands on his shoulders. She stared straight into Joseph's eyes. "I would never do anything to hurt you, you know that. But what if this angel said I would be giving birth to a baby--- me, a virgin!"
Joseph took it as well as any man might be expected to take it. Possibly better. However, he leapt out of the chair, storming around the room, shouting. "Nice try, Mary! Why not just try to tell me you met someone else !? I'll just leave. We were going to settle down and have a nice life together, but now, well--that's it!" He rushed out the door and past Mary's mother, who ran in to console her daughter.
Now Joseph was not a vengeful man, and not a drunkard. While he had a bit more wine than normal that evening, to help soothe his injured ego, he did not get drunk. He prayed to the Lord, asking forgiveness for his rage at Mary and asking him for understanding. Both Joseph and Mary were devout believers; they knew their lives were constantly before the Lord. This was why Joseph felt so betrayed. The Lord was kind to Joseph and gave him a deep, sound sleep. It was at this time that Gabriel took the opportunity to impart the Lord's news to Joseph.
Joseph was asleep, knew he was asleep, didn't awaken, but was entirely conscious. Gabriel flew, in his dream, to Joseph. "Greetings, Joseph. I am Gabriel, a messenger sent from the Great I Am to comfort you. By the way, sorry about the thumb this afternoon. I was going to stop by to see you while you were awake, but I have to follow the Great Plan. I see the Plan is, as always, perfect... you see in your heart that Mary is telling the truth as you truly, deeply suspect. You know as well that the Lord is here to provide you with the strength to see the mission through."
Joseph was astonished. He shrugged, his dream-self floating through the bustling marketplace of Nazareth, each incident mentioned by Gabriel appearing like a small film loop in the place it had occurred. He looked around incredulously, his gaze finally resting on Mary's mother's house. He saw himself burst out the door and into the street. He saw Mary crying into her palms. Mary's mother had her arms around her. "But how?" asked Joseph.
"Like I told Mary, anything is possible with the Boss! What you need to do is to marry her and raise this child as your own. He should be named Immanuel, 'God With Us', and you may call him 'Jesus'. He's the Messiah you've waited for. We're counting on you, Joseph." Gabriel smiled and held out his hand. "You have a big mission, friend. With His help, you'll do fine!"
"But, Gabriel-- how am I supposed to raise a King? I'm just a woodworker!"
Gabriel's image started to speed away. The vivid scenes of Nazareth faded to black. "Follow the Plan, Joseph! Everything you need to do will be made known to you!"
Joseph sat up with a start, beads of sweat crawling down the small of his back. He looked around. It was his simple bed-chamber, lit dimly by the half moon. He laid back down on the bed, but could not sleep for a long time.
The Christmas Donkey Gets the News
The next morning, as Joseph was installing the locust-bean dispenser at The Pita Principle, a Roman soldier entered. Ducking beneath a scaffold, he came up to the carpenter bearing a scroll. Joseph looked nervously at him. "W- what's the problem, Centurion? I just rendered to Caesar what belongs to Caesar last month! Is there a new tax? Building a new aqueduct or something?"
"No, no, nothing like that," replied the Centurion, whose name was Naughtius Maximus (transferred from the Bethlehem garrison). "The Emperor has decreed a royal census to be taken. You'll need to be counted in your city of birth. Would you like me to read the scroll?"
"No, that's not necessary, Naughtius", said Joseph.
"Well that's a relief. Do you know how many times I've had to read this bloody thing this morning? Where would you have to go, anyway?"
"Bethlehem. I'm from Bethlehem." Joseph looked at the locust-bean dispenser, then at the wild-honey cup stand. Now here was a blessing from the Lord... he would not have to have Mary (or himself) exposed to the jeers of being pregnant before the marriage. He silently thanked the Lord for this opportunity.
Naughtius Maximus' eyes were wide. "Hey-- you're from Bethlehem? I'm from Bethlehem! What exit?" The two men compared notes for some time.
Joseph timidly knocked at Mary's door. Her mother answered it, her face drawn into a scowl. "Well, what do you want?" she demanded. "Mary cried herself to sleep last night, you bum!"
Mary came to the door of the inner room. Sheepishly, she stared at Joseph, eyes tear-stained. "I'm sorry, Joseph, maybe it's better if we don't see each other right now."
Joseph said, "I came to apologize." He looked at Mary's mother, who glared at him but stepped aside. Joseph strode over to Mary. "Have you heard the decree? I have to go to Bethlehem to be counted in the census. I figure the Emperor is calculating the new income tax for the Servium Revenue Interia to collect. I would like to bring you with me and have you counted as my wife. If you still wish to be my wife, that is." He held her hands in his and stared into her eyes.
Mary let out tears of relief and fell into Joseph's arms. "Hallelujah, thank The Lord for you!" She looked back into Joseph's eyes. "Of course I will marry you, knucklehead*!" (*=loosely translated from the ancient Aramaic.) She leaned around Joseph to look at her mother. "See, Mother, I told you he would come back!"
Mary's mother busied herself with a broom. "MmmHmm...Well, welcome to the family, Son," she muttered.
The next days were a whirlwind; Joseph and Mary got their lives in order, and then Joseph packed the donkey for the long trip down to Bethlehem. He made certain to pack road maps, extra water, some packets of locust beans, and little word-find scrolls for Mary to do on the way. Mary also packed a couple of scrolls from the then-famous author Grishamus Johnicus, who wrote exciting scrolls about minions of the burgeoning, corrupt Roman legal system.
They traveled then to Bethlehem. During the long journey, Mary started to notice that she was having contractions pretty regularly as they approached Bethlehem. Joseph knew they had to pick up the pace.
No Rooms, Stable View
Now Bethlehem was a busy town to begin with. Added to this fact was the requirement of everyone to come home to be included in the census.
(Historical note: Door-to-door versions of the census would not be developed until the mid- 1st century, when it was discovered that people could often be convinced, by an enterprising census-taker, to contribute household items to the Centurion's Ball Honorarium merely by appearing at their door armed with a troop of soldiers.)
At this time in history, however, the Emperor much preferred uprooting people and having them travel to their home countries. The Imperial budget did not provide for census-takers to bring Roman troops with them; they at this point were using census-takers from the highly popular temp agency, Slaves-R-Us and could not, due to contractual obligations, risk the slaves' attempts at freedom.
An additional benefit to all the travel involved was that the travelers were increasing revenue at the Emperor's new chain of The Pita Principles, which were constructed in strategic spots along all major highways. The restaurants were guarded by Roman soldiers, who could be seen in the parking lot chatting over a Pita Principle special invented for the Emperor. These small, round pastries could be filled with jelly, whipped cream, and the like or covered with powdered sugar. A rival restaurant was run by a man known as Dennyus, who offered light fare prepared fresh 24 hours a day. Though popular, Dennyus himself had been thrown to the lions when one of his waitresses had inadvertently overcharged a Roman Senator for a small order of badger spleens.
Mary and Joseph arrived in Bethlehem late one night. With no method for making reservations ahead, the status quo was 'first- come- first- served'. In short, there was no room at the inn... many times over. Joseph would enter a promising-looking place, only to have its owner point to a hastily-scrawled "No Vacancy" sign. Joseph was beginning to get discouraged. One of the owners said to him, "Why don't you try over at Crazy Mustapha's Roadside Inn? It's never gotten a four-star rating from the Imperial Camel Association, but you'll probably get a clean, comfortable room for a reasonable price."
Joseph raised an eyebrow at the innkeeper. "Why are you so generous to give Mustapha the business?"
"He's my brother-in-law, and if he makes enough money on this census deal he's going to buy out this inn from me. Then I'll be able to retire and go fishing up on Lake Galilee!" The innkeeper got a faraway look in his eyes.
Joseph muttered his thanks and stepped out into the twilight. The sun had just gone down and the air was beginning to become chilly. Mary looked at him with a pained question on her face. "No, not here, either," replied Joseph. "He gave me the name of a place to try. How are you doing?"
"Not too well," said Mary, rolling her eyes at her stomach. A little foot kicked at just that moment, rippling the surface of her robe. "He certainly seems to be ready to come out and meet us!"
Joseph Gets the Room
Joseph and Mary arrived at Crazy Mustapha's Roadside Inn. A tattered wrapper from a large order of locust beans, imprinted with the Ancient-World-renowned logo of Herod's Hotels, blew past Joseph's foot. Joseph walked in to find Mustapha, a large man, eating homas and counting gold coins. "Can I help you?" he asked, rising to his feet and stashing the homas safely out of reach of the counter and the hopeful dog at his feet.
Joseph asked, for the 15th time that day, if there was a room available. Mustapha gave him a wearied look. "I wish you had come in about an hour ago. I just gave the last room out to a couple who came in late for the Kemelman wedding." Mustapha shuffled through a pile of scrolls on the desk behind the counter. "Tell ya what I'm going to do," he said, his bass voice booming out of the office, "I'll let you use the stable. At least you'll be off the streets. Let me get my wife and we'll sweep ya out a stall real quick." Mustapha shrugged at Joseph. "Sorry, pal, it's the best I can do."
Joseph let out a sigh. Mary wasn't going to like this! But at least there was a place to stop and take a load off for a while. "OK, we'll take it. May the Lord bless you, you're the only one who offered an alternative solution." Joseph reached into his satchel to get Mustapha his gold.
Mustapha put up his hand. "No, my friend, there is no charge for the stable. If you wish, you may water the animals in the morning. As for now, the cattle are lowing themselves to sleep. We'll let you have the stall next to the sheep, where they lay... and before you know it, you and your charming bride will be asleep on the hay!" Mustapha indicated the menorah in the window. All the candles were lit. "It's the least I can do at the Holiday!"
The Blessed Event
Joseph walked back out to Mary, who was standing next to the donkey, clutching her stomach. She looked up at him, biting her bottom lip, one eyebrow raised, the other clenched down, eyes wide with the anticipation of disappointment but pleading for a place to deliver this baby post-haste. Anticipating Mary's next question, Joseph said, "Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, we can stay here."
Mary leaned her face forward, raising both eyebrows at Joseph. "You know I prefer the bad news first so it can get better. But what is the bad news, any way?" A contraction wracked Mary, forcing her to double over.
"Ummm... remember you told me how you love animals?"
"Yes...?"
Joseph sighed. "The bad news is, we have to stay in the stable with the animals."
Mary began to breathe rapidly in and out as her mother had taught her to do. "Well," she said, between breaths, "we" puff "need" puff "to" puff "get" puff "settled" puff "quickly!" Mary drew in a long, deep cleansing breath and began to effleurage her stomach. "Because I am just about out of time here!"
Mustapha and his wife, Ofra, had finished sweeping out the stall. Mustapha's wife took one look at Mary and said, "Oh my goodness! I had better get you some extra blankets and quick." She turned to Mustapha and smacked the back of his head. "What do you mean, putting a mother-to-be out in the barn, you imbecile!"
Mustapha shrugged. "Like I told my friend Joseph here, the Goldbergs showed up for the Kemelman party an hour before they did. Now let's get these kind people inside and bring them some towels and an ice bucket." He looked up at the stars. "You know, that's a mighty bright one... it's like it's shining right on the stable. Hmmm."
Joseph busied himself helping Mary down onto the hay and bringing their bedrolls from the donkey's patient back. Mustapha brought out embroidered towels and an ice bucket with the inn's logo emblazoned on it. Joseph said, "What's an ice bucket?"
Mustapha shrugged. "I don't know, they came with the franchise. I have heard tales of water that turns solid on mountaintops from some of the Roman soldiers."
Ofra walked into the stable. "That's just fine," she said, "you stand around while I do all the work!" She glared at Mustapha as she brought the extra blankets into the stall.
Mustapha groaned and rolled his eyes. "Oh, it's a thousand days every minute with you!" He was about to say more when Mary let out a yell that curdled the blood of everyone within 3 city blocks.
"I hate to be a party pooper," she said, "but I think it's time for my baby to be born!" Her eyes were wide as she stared down at her hands massaging wildly.
Ofra turned to the two men standing with their mouths wide open. She shuttled them out the barn door and said, "Thank goodness for her I worked as a midwife while I was putting Mr. Congeniality here through hospitality school! Mustapha, make yourself useful and go see if you can't dig up any baby clothes for the child!" She turned back as she shut the stable door.
Mustapha went back inside the inn. Joseph began to pace outside. He was glad that the Lord had provided this midwife. He could construct most of a shed out of two felled trees, but had no idea what to do when it came to delivering babies. He had wondered if the Lord would have given him some kind of a mitt or something to catch the baby. Now, thankfully, he discovered the Lord had had a plan all along. After what seemed like an eternity, he heard a baby's cry. Mustapha heard it also, and came out to the stable door where Joseph was standing. He was clutching some folded garments in his hand.
Ofra came to the door, joy giving her eyes crow's feet. "Come in, papa," she said, "and meet your son. He is the most perfect and beautiful baby I have ever seen! He is glowing... he looks like he never went through labor... just perfect!" She turned to Mustapha. "Remember when our babies came?"
Mustapha smiled and put his arm around her. "Now that's my sweet Ofra!" he laughed, his big bass voice filling the courtyard. "Here are the only clothes I could find... well, really, they're swaddling cloths. We were all done swaddling this week and we had extra. Remember, last year we finally donated all the baby stuff and the crib to the Imperial Army Thrift Store. Never thought we would need it here again! Here, Joseph... go ahead and let the bambino sleep in the manger."
Joseph took the swaddling cloths from Mustapha. He walked in to see Mary and the new baby. "His name shall be called Jesus," said Mary. Joseph's eyes brimmed with tears of love. Mary held up his new son to him. Joseph knelt down and kissed them both. He hugged Mary as she held the baby Jesus in her arms. "I love you," said Mary to both of her men.
"I love you, too," said Joseph.
The baby's eyes shone at his earthly mother and father through the starlit stable.
The Shepherds Get the News
And the shepherds in the hills were terrified at the blasting choir and the intense, searing light in the middle of the night... but the angel said,
"Be not afraid, for today we celebrate your shot at eternal life. Today unto you in the City of David is born a Savior, the Most High, King of Kings. Go into the stable behind Crazy Mustapha's Roadside Inn, and you will see the baby, wrapped in swaddling cloths and laying in the manger."
The shepherds regained their composure, and, after daubing the beads of sweat from their foreheads, agreed to place the sheep in the pen and go to visit the modest stable. The youngest of their company was also the poorest; while the shepherds were no Rockefellers, they brought some trinkets with which to honor their Messiah. The young boy, however, had no gift to bring. He instead opted to bring a percussion instrument into the midst of the stable where a newborn resided. He played the drum, which most brand-new, immediately-past-labor mothers would have made all attempts to suppress, but fortunately the baby loved the music (which His heavenly Father had created in the first place).
King Herod Gets the News
In the meantime, 3 kings from the far reaches of the known world had, at the behest of their court astrologers, traveled to see the result of the birth which the brightest star in the sky had predicted. Normally, these Kings were satisfied to sit at home doing crossword puzzles, running empires, and so forth, but had decided that the trip was well worth it, since it was for the birth of the One who would reign over all that they themselves surveyed. So they loaded up the camels and went to Bethlehem. They had stayed overnight at Herod's Shipyard Inn, and, during the evening, Balthasar elected to box with King Herod. Herod was quite a boxer in his time, but his pugilistic efforts were no match for the humble Balthasar, who graciously laid Herod out flat. Gaspar and Melchiorr elected to merely watch and enjoy the bounty of Herod's table. The conversation, after Herod regained consciousness, drifted to ships, sealing wax, captains, and, inevitably kings.
Now, old Herod was what you might call a jealous man... he had put wives and their supposed lovers to death for conversations, spied on the kids, and had gone so far this particular evening as to bribe the three visiting kings' royal astrologers to add his name to all of their crossword puzzles. As an aside, the hints the three kings would be subjected to were on the order of, "Greatest King of the Known World", "Your Royal Connection", and "King of Boxing" (Balthasar noticed his name didn't fit in only five spaces). He heard that the True King of Everything was to be born, while chatting over some homas with Gaspar. At this time, Herod figured his time was growing short and that he had better do something about it.
The Wise Men noted the king's behavior, so when they were on the road to Bethlehem, they decided to journey home via the detour to avoid seeing Herod. Out of sight, out of mind.
They noticed that the guiding star was shining on the stable of the immensely popular Crazy Mustapha's Roadside Inn. As they arrived, they spied a crowd of shepherds leaving the stable, bowing and praising. Melchiorr stepped up to one of them. "Excuse me, friend," he said, "we were looking for the newborn king? Could you point us in the right direction?"
The shepherd said, "Hallelujah! The Savior is born! Just go into the stable and turn left at the donkey... you can't miss him!"
The Wise Men brought their gifts into the stable. They brought the traditional gold, frankincense, and myrrh... all valuable in the economy of the day. A camel driver with the 3 Kings' touring company brought in a fruitcake, but he was promptly sent away. He shared the fruitcake with the shepherds, joining them in a rousing singing of sacred Psalms with the little drummer boy keeping the beat.
For the first time since before Adam and Eve's forbidden fruit snack, all was right with the world.
PaRuppaPumPum... Have a blessed Merry Christmas!
The End
© 1998 - 2011, John Gifford for Shecky's House